The GWB delivered his final State of the Union address on Monday (28 Jan. 2008), and I was so enthralled that I almost didn’t finish my Milwaukee’s Best and bag of pork rinds (almost). In case you missed it, here is a quick executive summary (block quotes were garnered from the White House’s transcript).

Vague references to the state of the economy - it’s not so good, but it’s not so bad either:

Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future.

Throw around really huge budget numbers that make us all think that every member of congress wipes their ass with dollar bills (we’ll cut $18B, but still won’t have a surplus for another 4 years):

Next week, I’ll send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs, totaling more than $18 billion. The budget that I will submit will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012.

Extol congress to solve the problems of the world while offering little advice or direction as to how:

Congress [...] [t]onight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, modernize the Federal Housing Administration
[...]
The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits.
[...]
So I ask Congress to double federal support for critical basic research in the physical sciences and ensure America remains the most dynamic nation on Earth.
[...]
And so I call on Congress to pass legislation that bans unethical practices such as the buying, selling, patenting, or cloning of human life.
[...]
I ask members of Congress to offer your proposals and come up with a bipartisan solution to save these vital programs [Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid] for our children and our grandchildren.

Support public education… uh sort of:

[...] No Child Left Behind Act [...] Now we must work together to increase accountability, add flexibility for states and districts, reduce the number of high school dropouts, provide extra help for struggling schools.
[...]
We must also do more to help children when their schools do not measure up. [...] help liberate poor children trapped in failing public schools.

Keep up the funding for Team America, World Police:

Since 9/11, we have taken the fight to these terrorists and extremists. We will stay on the offense, we will keep up the pressure, and we will deliver justice to our enemies.

Solve centuries of culturally ingrained hatred, violence and intolerance in just a few short months:

[...] I assured leaders from both sides that America will do, and I will do, everything we can to help them achieve a peace agreement that defines a Palestinian state by the end of this year.

Insert at least one statement to take the edge off the Team America, World Police statements:

America opposes genocide in Sudan.

Be sure to contextualize the previous statement, keeping veiled references to Team America:

We support freedom in countries from Cuba and Zimbabwe to Belarus and Burma.

And end with a bang:

So tonight, with confidence in freedom’s power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. God bless America.

If anyone has any ideas of how we can keep this guy occupied for the next year (buying baseball teams, kissing babies, playing fetch) please speak up before we find ourselves at war with no less than two Middle-Eastern countries, paying for health care in Loonies, and printing money as a homework assignment.